Atelophobia - the fear of imperfection. The fear of never being good enough.
I am enough.
Such a simple phrase, but it's taken me 27 and a half years to say these words as a fact, instead of a question. Anyone else have trouble saying those words to themselves? Keep reading...
So why am I doing this?
For quite a long time, I have wanted to be an independent creative. I wanted to get my product out there, do a craft show, launch my brand, take beautiful photographs, and hopefully inspire others throughout all of my efforts. The desire to create this blog came to me at a dark time of my life when I was feeling very lost. I was stuck in a stagnant place that was bringing me no sense of value. To sum it up, I was just down right unhappy all. the. freakin. time.
One day, I decided enough was enough. I discovered that I was at a complete loss for what I wanted to do. I never thought I would be that person that didn't have a clear direction of what they wanted in life. I've always been the girl that "had it together". Yet, I felt completely lost, and even afraid, because I didn't have a clear direction before. It's like walking through a blizzard towards a house in the distance. I always had a "house", to walk towards, and for the first time in my life, I felt like I didn't have a "house" to walk towards.
I worked in fashion for the past 4 years, and I realized that it was absolutely not for me anymore. Mind you, it had been my DREAM ever since I was a little girl to have a job in fashion. I always imagined myself young, beautiful, skinny, glowing and thriving in New York City in a super modern loft, living alone (key!), embarking on a lucrative fashion career (hint: that doesn't exist!) This was far from the reality I was living in. I realized, 4 years in, that this just wasn't for me.
I always loved interior design. My father is an architect, and designed the house we grew up in, so this field has always been very personal to me. I decided to study textile design in college, thinking it would merge all my interests into one focus: fashion, interiors, fine art, graphic design, and engineering. So I obviously didn't end up working in textiles, and ended up being a self taught graphic designer and marketer through my old fashion job. I was forced to learn it to make myself valuable to the company, so I did! (And boy am I glad I did...)
So when Indeed.com was asking me what kind of job I was looking for, I bravely typed in Interior Design. I knew I had no training. I knew I wasn't certified. I just knew that this is what I wanted, and I figured I that I have nothing to lose by trying. Luckily, I found a job with an incredible home decor and furniture company who was willing to take a chance on me, and it's been such a fun ride so far!
After I got over this huge hump in the road, I really decreased the amount of "I'm not ___ enough" internal self loathing that I've been obsessing over all these years.
"You can't start a blog, you're not smart enough. You're not business savvy enough. You're not creative enough, who would even want to read this? You're not motivated enough, it'll flop after your creative mojo has worn off. You're not skinny enough, you're not pretty enough...you'll hate every photo of yourself on your blog."
I hate writing all of this out, it sounds awful. But really, this is what I convinced myself FOR YEARS. And then the guilt of giving of it all... I can't describe the incredible amount of guilt I felt for not being ____ enough. I know we all go through this at some point or another, but this to me was crippling. If there's one thing I learned from all of this self loathing, it gets old. The people in your life will get tired of it too. I began to lean on my loved ones for reassurance that I was enough. When in reality, no one will value you more than you value yourself. This is the truest thing in the world. No boss will pay you more if you don't think you deserve it. No one will think your work is great if you don't take pride in it. I waited and waited to be "discovered". That the raises would come to me, that work and opportunities would come to me. Mark Duplass, the film director, sums it up in one simple moment of clarity-- "The calvary isn't coming". In other words, nothing will happen unless I make it happen.
When I heard this quote, it really struck a cord with me. Some people will sadly live their entire lives without experiencing that wake up call. So, in that moment of clarity, The Hiraeth Collection was born! I just began posting what I loved: interiors. My direction finally has a clear path now, and I can't wait to share all of this with you! As I venture forth in this new path in life, I will remind myself that I am enough, and I hope you all will tell yourselves the same truth and go embark on your own adventure. It's never too late, to start. There's always room at the top. The world needs you, and your gifts. so don't let anything or anyone tell you otherwise!